


hold my hand (so we won't wander for any longer)

by winterghouls



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Childhood Friends, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Psychology, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21818569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterghouls/pseuds/winterghouls
Summary: Two worlds collide: Wooyoung, son of parents with medical professions and San, an independent teen born to irresponsible parents. Two childhood friends with very different backgrounds grew up with dreams of always being together. While San gave up on his own dreams to chase the same one as Wooyoung, little did he know he’d be faced with a dead end. The competitive nature of their field causes a strain on their relationship eventually leading to a break up. Following the break up, San's mental health spirals down without Wooyoung's support. Years past and he only gets worse; his friends ultimately push him to visit a psychologist. After much deliberation, he goes, and finds himself staring at “Resident Jung Wooyoung” engraved in the silver plate outside of the neighbouring doctor's room. San finally heeds advice and takes a break from his job to visit the clinic every alternate day, unaware that he is destroying himself more.orPsychology major Choi San visits a clinic for his own health matters and notices the name of the resident psychologist/doctor - the exact name of his ex boyfriend - "Jung Wooyoung" engraved in silver on the door.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Jeong Yunho/Song Mingi, Jung Wooyoung/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 3
Kudos: 71





	1. just keep it up, sunrise.

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from ateez's 안개 (mist), a song that I had anticipated so much upon release.  
> okay first and foremost, i'm posting as i am writing so my grammar's kind of a mess  
> i'll revisit them again once i have completed everything.  
> this is a psychology au written with the limited knowledge that I have,  
> there will be several (or many) medical inaccuracies so pardon that,  
> and also do not take the information for facts or truth. 
> 
> also first chapter is set in the past, give a little background on them.

**Summer 2016**

Books, lime, and cologne; a refreshing exchange from the suffocating stench of cigarettes and cheap alcohol. San sat at the edge of the bed as his eyes scanned across the room that was thrice as large as his own that could only fit his bed and a small writing desk. Rather than green envy, San remained amazed at the living conditions that his boyfriend lived in that he could never have imagined possessing. Right from the start of Wooyoung and San’s friendship at the mere age of nine, he already knew that he lived in a different realm altogether. San shuffles his legs across the white fur carpet that concealed the marble tiling beneath him, smiling to himself at the warmth that it gave. Every detail of the room was reminiscent of the owner himself, simple, mellow and cozy. He took in every detail of the room and eventually paused when he caught sight of the series of photographs hanging on the wall. The corner of his lips tugged into a small smile, displaying his dimples that Wooyoung loved so much. Every photograph held memories that were priceless and irreplaceable.

His eyes fell to a particular photograph, this time framed, of their summer school trip where their friendship had initially blossomed. It was a picture of San in denim dungarees and a white hat, slinging his arms around a slightly shorter Wooyoung who kneeled on a red duffle bag twice his size. This was his favourite childhood memory. One where he finally realised the meaning of happiness, one that was deprived by his very own family. He remembers clearly how unhappy he was as a child, eyebrows always knit and his lower lip curved into a pout; he also remembers the moment he realised that family meant more than just his parents. “I know!” San remembers little Wooyoung shouting, as if he had just came up with the newest inventions. He stood up and poked his tiny finger into San’s dimples. “God made your dimples because he knew you wouldn’t smile.” He could also recall perfectly how he pretended to be asleep in the tiny cottage they stayed at during their camp, peeking at a nine-year-old Wooyoung sneaking to San’s side of the room to steal a packet of biscuits.

His hands swept across the grey bed sheet, feeling the soft and silkiness of the material. Egyptian cotton, he remembers being told. He continues to trace his eyes all over the bedroom His eyes fell onto the stack of books at the corner of the room. It always remains a question to San as to why Wooyoung was studying really thick books ever since he was a young boy. All he understood was that his parents had influenced him to, yet he does not understand why he did not retaliate. Just as he swiped his hand underneath the pillows, his wrist was poked by something that seemed like the edge of a book. Frowning, he pulled it out from underneath: a thick black book that resembled that of his Biology text-book in school. He scrutinised the cover, a portrait of a man, of which part of his face has been pixelated, resting below the title in big, bold, white fonts: “Abnormal Psychology.” Intrigued by the title and the cover, he rested the book on his lap and began to flip. He was merely skimming through the different pages that were filled with loads of information San could never retain. Yet, he paused when he read:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder  
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance  
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty  
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)  
(4) requires excessive admiration  
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations  
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve goals  
(7) lacks empathy  
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her  
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviours or attitudes  
 _*have been edited for convenience of reading*_

A wave of abhorrence began to overwhelm him as flashes of his mother began play in his mind as he read aloud each of the different points. His fingers trembled, clutching onto the book, causing a page to fold. The moment the door creaked open, the words fell out from his lips without conscious thought, “This sounds like my mother…”

After a brief pause of silence, a voice chasms deeper than Wooyoung’s echoed through the room, “You have a narcissistic mother?” The foreign voice caused San’s head to snap up, sending bolts of panic through his body as he saw Wooyoung’s father standing instead of Wooyoung himself. He stood up immediately, as if he had just committed a crime, the thick book dropping onto the floor with a loud thud. Almost instantly, sweat began to trickle down San’s palms feeling as though the walls of the room close in around him. He stuttered, unable to introduce himself.

Thankfully, though, Wooyoung entered immediately after, shock evident in his own countenance. Wooyoung had invited San over because he knew that his parents were out of town; if that was not the case, he would not have done it, considering how much he knows his father loathes San. Wooyoung tried his best to ignore his trembling fingers, stepping forward between his father and San. He ran his fingers through his wet hair and recovered instantly.

“Dad, this is San, he’s here to collect homework because h--”

“I know who he is,” his father responded curtly, eyes darting towards the wall filled with photographs that San was reminiscing earlier. “Get him out of here.”

Wooyoung winced when the door flew shut following his father’s departure. He turned around and almost instantly ran towards San, enveloping him in a warm hug. San inhaled the sweet scent of Wooyoung’s hair: strawberries, he identified. With gentle eyes, Wooyoung looked up at his boyfriend in hopes his hug would soothe him while at the same time seeking comfort from his own shock. He would not have invited San over to stay if he knew his father would pop back home for even a split second. He knew that it would somehow or other danger San, given the blunt and crude words that his father is capable of. Very hypocritical of a psychologist, Wooyoung would say. When he hears the front gate beeping, signalling a close, followed by a car being driven off, he sighed in relief.

As soon as his father vacated the area, the lovers found themselves on the bed, beneath the comfort of the covers, limbs locked around each other. Wooyoung’s parents had long knew of his sexuality, yet, it was not the main reason why they despise San so much. As superficial as it is, it was San’s background that they despised, thinking that his son could “do better” anyway. Wooyoung was born into a family of medical professionals: his father, a psychologist and his mother, a head nurse at a hospital.

Meanwhile, San’s father passed away from drink driving and his mother remained a corporate worker in an office. None of them had bothered with giving San a proper growing up environment, naturally nurturing him to be a lost and disoriented child. Nonetheless, Wooyoung had never looked down on San’s life, which in turn made San comfortable, without particular hatred towards his parents. He loved San just the way he was and more importantly, he understood him more than anyone else could have.

“Are you going to be doing this when you go to University?” San asked, breaking the silence that had settled between them in the past twenty minutes. When Wooyoung looked up at him, the latter gestured towards the load of books, recognising some as Wooyoung had brought them to study sessions before. He realised that although he noticed the load of work Wooyoung was constantly doing despite the end of school exams, he never managed to ask. Maybe also because San was never one to bother about his education, not until Wooyoung came around, at least. Wooyoung nodded, his fringe falling to cover his eyes as he did, causing San to smile. “I’ll do it with you. I don’t really know what to do anyway. We’d be together forever this way, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed the first, pilot chapter.  
> it's kinda short but more to come.
> 
> xx N.


	2. to you, my light.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “on a day full of happiness,  
>  in a night without darkness,  
>  our shared feelings,  
>  and our shared dreams blossom;  
>  and that’s when we’ll arrive at  
>  our destiny.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title is taken from maktub's to you, my light; one of my current favourite songs. i wrote the chapter, especially the beginning of it while repeating this song, so if you want to as well! just a little more background story to woosan to understand their characters. anyway, enjoy! x
> 
> also, shout out to my 해바라기 for helping me edit.

**Spring, 2015**

On days that were particularly tough and taxing, San often recalled the time his heart united with his newly found love, his long-time best friend, and the good times they had together ever since. Reminiscing those days kept him going and reminded him that he does possess his own happy memories, and that despite his shortcomings, there was always Wooyoung who would accept him the way he was. He also remembers, amongst the many memories, the most nerve-wracking day of his entire high school when he sat across the love of his life in the warm ambience of Aurora Cafe, their usual hang out. 

It was a Wednesday morning when San invited Wooyoung out for a study session since the both of them had free periods with no other plans in mind. Initially, Wooyoung was skeptical as knowing San for years, studying after semester tests are over would be the last thing he would want to do. Nonetheless, given the fact that San had a design project that he was working on and that these projects were the only thing San ever took seriously, he brushed the thought off. 

For the first half hour, the two were tending to their respective works, only occasionally communicating over their hazelnut lattes and a slice of cheesecake, something that San had been craving so badly for the past few days. It was no issue for Wooyoung to focus on his Chemistry textbook, scribbling down little notes with his dominant hand while holding a green highlighter in the other. The concentration that Wooyoung could grasp on every study session was absent in San, in almost all occasions, especially that day. As each minute that passed gradually turned into an hour, San had only progressed enough to be back at square one all over again.

The loud ticking of time was what invades San’s ears, deafening the soothing cafe music that played in the background. His eyes were fixated at the way strands of Wooyoung’s burgundy fringe seem to fall over his eyes the way it always would whenever he becomes too engrossed in something. San catches himself lowering his eyes to stare at Wooyoung’s lips for a second longer than what would be deemed normal. His gaze traces the outlines of the light pink plushness, and for the briefest second, he imagined what it would be like to kiss- To San’s surprise, Wooyoung glances up to do some mental calculation, causing San to jolt a little, immediately diverting his gaze to the whole load of symbols on the once blank paper.

San began to fumble with the corner of his notebook, causing dog ears to form. The poor boy almost knocked most of his things off the table when he leaned forward to take the earpiece out of Wooyoung’s ear, barely regaining his composure as he spoke up after a brief pause, “Can you hear me out? You can continue your work while you listen.”

“I like you,” San blurted out, regretting instantly as soon as the words escaped his mouth. He winced and shut his eyes, but Wooyoung did not budge; instead, his face was scrunched as he tapped continuously on the bracket he was writing.

San jutted his lower lip out and grumbled. “Did you not hear me?”

“Oh? No, no, sorry Sannie, what was it that you said?” Although he finally responded, his eyes were still glued onto the page that he was stuck in for the longest time. He let out a loud sigh before shutting his book. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Oh, I said… uh-” he stammered, fingers desperately looking for something to fidget. “For my project… See, I wasn’t sure if I should..”

Halfway through San’s rambles, Wooyoung found himself lost and slowly getting distracted by his own thoughts. Should I finish this? Should I just stop here? I should have brought another textbook instead of this textbook. Wooyoung shook the thoughts out of his head and opened his mouth to speak only to close them once again. Unsure as to interrupt San or to at least pretend to listen, Wooyoung reached out for his mug that had already gone cold, bringing the brim to his lips. When Wooyoung licked the remnants off his lips, San caught his action from the corner of his eye, causing him to pause. Thoughts from earlier emerged, for a very brief second before--

“Sannie, get to the point-- So what is your project for?”

“Um, my point is…” he hesitated. “I didn’t want to study. I called you out here because I had something I wanted to tell you.” Wooyoung raised his brow before turning his attention back to the book. After a few moments of silence, Oh, San continued. “I met a boy… He um- he’s really good looking,” San said dumbly. “Uh, and he has the cutest laugh. I love the way he still listens no matter how repetitive my shit gets. I love the way he makes me feel; like despite everything I go through, I’m alright. I care a lot about him a shit ton and I get really happy when I see him, you know. And over time, I realised that I want him to be my boyfriend.”

Although Wooyoung was not entirely focusing on San’s words at first, his ears quirked when he realised San was talking about his love interest. Hearing the jittery joy in San’s voice made Wooyoung’s progressively heavy heart drop. Despite so, he did not think of it much at that moment and transformed his feelings into a smile anyway. Wooyoung had caught feelings for San long ago, yet he never confessed, neither did he ever have plans since it never occurred to him that San would reciprocate his feelings anyway. 

“Who is it? Is it Mingi hyung?” Wooyoung spoke up after receiving a brief silence from San, essentially marking the end of his speech. 

“No, his name is Jung Wooyoung,” San inhaled deeply, watching as Wooyoung’s eyes widened at the sudden confession. “I don’t know if this goes against some best friend code but, I like you.”

Wooyoung fell silent. His eyes were pearls, and they remained emotionless as they fixated on San. The more seconds went by without a reaction, the crazier it drove San. He started to tap his foot against the metal platform of the table that separated them. At that moment, he decided that he would prefer some reaction, or even a bad reaction to no reaction at all. A few more seconds went by and San was at the edge of his seat, almost ready to bolt out of the situation.

“I mean-” San immediately cut the silence off, almost driven mad by the silence. “It’s okay, you don’t have to respond at all! I’ll get over it, I mean what was I thinking-”

“I like you too,” Wooyoung started, his eyes fluttering close as he takes a deep breath. He opened his eyes again later to a newfound expression, this time one of content and glee. “I like you too, Sannie. I’ve always wanted to tell you so.” 

There was a brief silence that entailed before both Wooyoung and San burst out in laughter. It was something that they always did whenever the atmosphere became too serious between them. This time, though, it wasn’t a playful laughter that they usually cracked in the middle of light-hearted conversations. It was a laughter filled with the feelings the both of them had concealed from one another for the longest time. Wooyoung’s smile widened at the sight of San’s deep dimples that was accentuated by his sparkling eye-smile. 

“Wooyoung, come closer,” San whispered with a tone coated with excitement, reminiscent of how he used to call the latter whenever he found something intriguing enough in the yard or on his way home from school. 

Wooyoung ran his fingers through his hair, straightening the slight tangles that had emerged from when he had his hoodie up. As soon as he leaned forward, Wooyoung could feel his heart beating loudly, almost as if it would jump out of his chest anytime. The corner of San’s lips tugged into a wide grin before playfully pressing a peck on Wooyoung’s lips. San swore he could taste the mild tinge of hazelnut latte from the latter. Before he pulls away from the gentle contact of their lips, San whispers, “Mine, all mine now.” 

***

**Winter, 2016**

It’s a WooSan thing, they’d like to call it. Eventually, having dates in that very cafe became a norm. Sometimes, they try venturing to other cafes; yet, regardless of how delicious the food and drinks were, how aesthetically pleasing the concept of the cafe was, nothing beats the homely feeling that they had grown accustomed to. Their visits to the cafe increased as the weather became progressively cold. In winter, the couple often found themselves bundled up in the corner most seats accompanied by the rare bits of sunshine that penetrated through the fogged window. 

There was always warmth that they seek in one another in the harsh coldness of winter, and San was growing increasingly impatient as he had been waiting for the arrival of his warmth for the past hour. It was rare that Wooyoung would ever be late. Yet, it did not bother him since he found his mind floating elsewhere as seconds passed.

For the past hour, San did nothing but scroll through his social media feed, something he would not be doing otherwise. His thumbs lazily tapped on the like button whenever he came across a post, barely even registering the image or the caption. In the midst of skimming through the posts, he halts when the caption “YONSEI UNIVERSITY BABY” popped up in bold, red and capitalised fonts on his screen. He glanced up to see the username, causing him to immediately roll his eyes and lock his phone altogether. 

San had been waiting all December for any letters from any of the five universities that he had applied to. Swear I’m the only one without it, he would complain to Wooyoung, who already had been accepted to KU. It was almost true, though. Everyone had already gotten their respective acceptance letters whilst San remained in anxiety. His fears of not attaining a university went beyond mere academic reasons. Sure, the old him would have just wanted to settle with juggling part-time jobs, earning a living for himself, but he did not want to be left steps behind Wooyoung. It wasn’t like San saw him as competition. Rather, he knew the kind of expectations Wooyoung’s family had, some of which had been embedded in Wooyoung himself anyway. In fact, his ultimate goal was to always be with Wooyoung, never leaving the latter’s side. Truthfully, although he had applied to five different universities, it was only one placement that he really wanted an answer from: KU. 

Wooyoung had already been accepted in KU’s Clinical Psychology through the early decisions a month prior. There was no doubt that Wooyoung already had his placement in KU, or even any university for that matter. At times, when San allowed himself to think about it, he would occasionally feel a slight tinge of envy upon how Wooyoung often had things easy. Ever since Wooyoung was a child, he had a free pass to everything, most of which was solved by one thing that San never had unlimited access to: money. Eventually, San set aside those thoughts and accepted it readily; everyone was born to different circumstances anyway. On top of it all, everyone had their own pros and cons to their family, and San was in no position to belittle himself for the place that his parents had put him in. What particularly bothered him this time was the fact that Wooyoung spent his holidays pretty relaxed while he was living in apprehension. 

San tossed his phone aside and glanced at his watch before leaning his head on the window to see two little kids dancing in the snow. The two boys had the widest smiles on their faces as they raced up the hill, waving their gloves in the air. The sound of their exuberant laughter could be heard faintly through the thick glass that separated San from the outside. It brought a smile to his lips as he recalled his childhood days that he spent with Wooyoung. 

First snows were their thing, too. Never was there a year that they did not catch the first snow together. It wasn’t anything that they’d plan, but each time the first snow falls, they would always coincidentally be together. Inseparable, indeed. San would often bring Wooyoung over to the tallest building he knew, and once the sun set, they would decorate the streets with warm laughter as they race towards the direction of home. 

“Sannie!” Wooyoung peeked from San’s peripheral vision, snapping him out of his reverie. “What got you looking like that?” 

“Oh, you’re finally here,” San watched as Wooyoung placed his favourite beige Burberry coat on the chair beside him and reached out into the pocket of the blue checkered hoodie that San had gifted him on his recent birthday.

“Guess what I’ve got,” Wooyoung waved his hand in the pockets. He shines, he literally shines, and it evoked the slightest smile in San, something that had been lost for the past few days. Wooyoung pulled San’s hands into his and smacked down an envelope on his palm. “Yesterday, when I reached your house before you did, I found this letter lying at the foot of your gate, and thought I’d give it to you personally.”

San eyed Wooyoung suspiciously and turned the envelope over to see who it was from. Just then, he caught sight of the stamp on the top left corner of the envelope. He sat up almost immediately, feeling a rush of excitement course through his blood.

**“Korea University**

**Admissions Department”**

Wooyoung blinked dumbly as he watched San comically strip the envelope open, almost tearing the slightly crumpled envelope into two pieces. 

“I got into the same discipline as you!” San screamed out loud. His voice echoed throughout the cafe and even sparked some glances towards their direction. Thankfully, though, there weren’t that many people at that time. 

When Wooyoung held the latter’s wrist to steady the now crumpled letter San was clutching onto with his dear life, his frown deepened when he saw the bold font printed in the middle of the page. Degree in Clinical Psychology. He stared in disbelief and took a few seconds to process. “Wait, you applied to--” 

“I did! I’m so glad we’re going to be together even in university!” 

Although in a section of Wooyoung’s memory, he did remember an instance in the past where San had mentioned his growing interest in the field, he never thought that he would actually pursue it when the time came. Above that, for the past few times Wooyoung asked San what he applied to, the latter was always adamant in keeping it a surprise. In the initial stages, Wooyoung remained doubtful of the choice San made. He knew what excited San the most when it came to academics, and anything clinical would have been the last on his list. Nonetheless, seeing San ecstatic that way made him relaxed. 

Eventually, slowly, as time passed, he began to brush away the unsettledness he had. 

**Spring, 2018**

Soon, Wooyoung’s worry was totally eradicated. San seemed to have changed a lot ever since his life in KU started. He long matured from the playful boy that he was before; he realised that there was more to what he had to do, making him a far more responsible individual. He never took his classes lightly, unlike how he was in high school. It made Wooyoung feel at ease seeing such changes in San. As for their relationship, it definitely bloomed ever since they began to live in a rented dormitory together. For the first month on campus, San lived alone as Wooyoung’s parents could not fathom as to why Wooyoung would rather stay in a dormitory. After a labyrinth line of reasoning, Wooyoung managed, nonetheless. 

Almost everything became easier for the couple, their favourite part of this life was that they could meet every night before they went to bed. Everything, though came with a price, at times, they struggled to balance the time for dates as they both became increasingly busier, especially for the fact that San had to take up a few part time jobs in order to pay the school fees, rentals, bills and also dates that he took Wooyoung out for. Same was for Wooyoung. Although he still remained the studious boy he was back in high school, he knew better how to spare his time, balancing for the sake of the relationship. 

This balance, of course, wavered the most as examination periods approached. Wooyoung often grew more tense during these times. Considering that the upcoming tests were crucial and held high percentages on their final grades, sometimes Wooyoung would still be studying when San returns home from his usual part-time job. 

Sundays were the only rest day that they, especially San, had. San deliberately left his Sundays off in order to spend quality time with his boyfriend. They all had to sacrifice one thing or another to make the whole thing work anyway. Initially, San thought that on that Sunday they could finally celebrate their weekend, since the only test left was for Cognitive Psychology the next day. Boy, was he wrong. He tried not to showcase too much of his disappointment as he joined Wooyoung on the bed, sprawled across on their stomachs. When an hour passed, San decided that it was enough for him. 

“Baby,” San whispered into Wooyoung’s ear as he leaned closer to him, peeking over the notes that he was reading so intently. San frowned at the lack of response that came from Wooyoung, and he tried a few more times before receiving an exasperated sigh in return. “Come on, today is supposed to be San-day,” he whined deliberately, coating his voice with playfulness.

“Sannie, I’m trying to study. Are you not worried about the test tomorrow?” the latter grumbled as he nudged San’s chest with his elbow, signalling him to move away. “Explain the Gestalt principles of Organisation and Perception. How did this approach originated?” Wooyoung read aloud in attempts to focus. “It originated in reaction to Willhelm… Uh-”

“Wundt-”

“Shut up, San, I’m trying to focus,” Wooyoung hissed.

Frowning, San sat up on the bed, knees resting on the soft mattress as he reached out for Wooyoung’s book. He ignored the protests that were pouring out of Wooyoung’s lips and pulled his arms, ultimately making the both of them sit cross-legged on the bed. Though San allowed Wooyoung to continue his protests for a moment, he pulled Wooyoung by the waist and pressed his lips against his, inherently halting the incessant complaints. Although initially the latter’s hands flew up to his chest to push him away, a smile spread across San’s lips as Wooyoung’s body grew less tense and slowly gave in to the kiss. It didn’t take long for Wooyoung to be reminded of how relaxed he gets under San’s touches. 

As their lips moulded perfectly, the air around them began to run out. Wooyoung shuddered when he felt a cold breeze touch his now bare skin and leaned into the warm touch of San’s fingers. And it was his warmth that eventually drove Wooyoung to ecstasy.

“Babe,” San whispered against Wooyoung’s plump lips, swollen from the gentle nips that he left. “You really need to learn how to relax… The more you try to force it in, the more you can’t retain anything.”

But Wooyoung was no longer responding in words. His mind had long flown out the room. Now, he was responding with his body. The air that relaxed grew more tense between them again when San used his feet to kick the book off from the bed, pulling himself to hover over the latter. Wooyoung let out the softest groan and pressed his back farther against the mattress, his mouth parting as he felt San’s tongue swiping across his lower tier. San allows his hips to sink down against Wooyoung’s, building a momentum that ripped Wooyoung’s mind off completely from sanity. San’s thighs locked Wooyoung in place, his fingers sliding up underneath his shirt as he could feel both of them hardening against each other. Wooyoung inhaled deeply, taking in San’s scent that dominated the entire room. San began trailing his mouth down onto Wooyoung’s jaw, leaving gentle kisses, eventually fixating on a spot to leave a light purple bruise on his skin. The deeper he sank his teeth into the latter’s delicate skin, the more he could feel his own cock throb in his jeans. 

“S-San…” Wooyoung whispered as he slid his fingers to the latter’s crotch, rubbing his length through his boxers. “I want you, please…” 

For a brief moment, San pulled away, working his pants out of the way along with his boxers while he was at it. Wooyoung’s half lidded eyes watched, releasing a quiet whimper when the loss of San’s touch was a second too long. Before returning to his position above him, San tugged onto Wooyoung’s waistband hard and he lifted his hips up for San to easily pull his jeans down, letting them pool at the bottom of his feet. Wooyoung weakly kicked his jeans off before squeaking when San’s arms scooped up his thighs, red from heat, urging them to wrap around his body. 

Their lower halves were bare now, leaving both their loose t-shirt, of which Wooyoung was wearing San’s. When Wooyoung’s eyes trailed down the perfection of San’s body, his chest rose, as if about to hyperventilate.

“Move,” San commanded, lifting Wooyoung’s hips once again and swiftly slaps Wooyoung’s thighs as the other rolls over onto his stomach, pressing his cheek into the soft pillow. San trapped Wooyoung between his thighs as he spread his legs a little wider, positioning his length right at the entrance. Wooyoung weakly clutched onto the sheets as San teases his hole with the tip of his length. Wooyoung’s body flushed from the tips of his ears to his toes as he watched San take full control of the pulses of his own body. 

With one hand on Wooyoung’s hips, San gradually pushed his erection into Wooyoung’s puckered hole. For a brief second, he observed how the ring of Wooyoung’s muscles fluttered around his length, watching the latter’s body tremble underneath him as he took in San’s appendage. He pulled back until only the tip remained before pushing again, his other hand combing through his hair before down his back. 

“Babe, please…” Wooyoung whispered in desperation. Without much warning, San pulled out again before taking Wooyoung deep all the way. His actions caught Wooyoung off guard, making his thighs tremble and his stomach to flip. 

By the third time, San’s length slid easily into Wooyoung. The sensation once the tip of San’s cock prodded right into his prostate made Wooyoung hiss, utterly overwhelmed by the burst of adrenaline surging through his veins at that moment. 

“S-San please,” he choked out, almost sounding like a pathetic cry as his lips pressed against the pillow. When Wooyoung’s body makes the slightest shift, San steadied himself by grabbing tightly onto the latter’s waist. 

San took a handful of Wooyoung’s cheeks in his hand, burying his nails into Wooyoung’s soft skin, increasing the pace of his thrusts. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” 

“Harder,” Wooyoung whimpered, sounding extremely wrecked. When his voice reached San’s ears, he lost control of the speed that his hips were going at as they buck forth and pull back, his sharp movements almost sending Wooyoung’s mind into overdrive. 

This time, Wooyoung slipped his fingers beneath him limply, wrapping his fingers around his own neglected manhood and began to pump himself, now desperate for a release.

Wooyoung continued to utter indecipherable words, slurring as his moans coat every broken syllable. San drilled himself into Wooyoung’s hole, becoming increasingly aggressive. 

His knees burnt from the friction with the bed, causing Wooyoung to arch his back rather helplessly. “Babe, I-I’m going to-” he squeaked, feeling his slowly dripping. Upon that whisper, San steadied himself before sliding his palm down to Wooyoung’s shaft, wrapping his warmth around its head and thumbing at the slit. “Oh my God- Fuck- Babe s-stop…”

San slid his hand underneath to Wooyoung’s neck and tugged him up, pressed his thumb into Wooyoung’s lips. Wooyoung shuts his eyes tight as he lets out a pained moan. San felt Wooyoung’s hole tighten as he comes into him, tears beginning to trickle down his eyes.

“Fuck baby, you’re so good,” San groaned, sinking into Wooyoung’s hole and tightening his grip on his jaw. When his rim clenched around San’s length, he came without warning, sending Wooyoung into silent screams. San let go of Wooyoung’s shaft, and relished the feeling of his length pulsing into Wooyoung’s inner walls. 

He leaned forward and peppered kisses down Wooyoung’s back, nipping occasionally on the skin. He pulled away and watched the rise and fall of Wooyoung’s shoulders, reflecting just how spent he was.

It took several moments before San finally pulled himself out from Wooyoung and dropped beside him with a groan. He tugged the duvet up to cover both Wooyoung and himself. 

“Babe?” he whispered, carding his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair as they fell, covering his eyes. His mind barely comprehended how Wooyoung could look so serene yet completely fucked out at the same time. San snapped out of his thoughts when the latter finally opened his eyes, and when he did, his lips spread into a wide yet tired smile. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”

“I’m sorry for interrupting your study. I just really wanted to. Though really, I’m not too sorry,” San chuckled, tugging Wooyoung closer by the waist.

Wooyoung winced visibly as he was still slightly sensitive. “It’s okay, let’s not talk about that.” Wooyoung pressed his cheek onto San’s chest and sighed, his mind wandering across a field of thoughts. He hated the effect that San had on him. Although he had sworn his heart to San, growing up, he began to eventually understand why his parents did not want them to be together. San was far from a bad influence in Wooyoung’s mind, no. Nonetheless, Wooyoung knew that there was a lack of focus in him in comparison to what he would have matured with. 

Each time Wooyoung found himself in San’s warm embrace, he sank momentarily into a headspace that had hidden alarums. And those alarms will blare in his ears only for a few seconds before he decides to shut them once again. Eventually, Wooyoung’s eyes finally fell shut, San’s gentle pats ultimately sending him off to dreamland. 

***

Finally, their last test was over. For the most part, Wooyoung and San both found the test to be rather difficult. Yet, it was harder than Wooyoung would ever admit to. Although in the first hour after the test Wooyoung remained rather anxious in class, he became comforted in the thoughts of last night. The lovers were rigid in their own ways: Wooyoung was never one to speak or show much affection, and San just has a difficult mind to change. Nonetheless, they still made things work. 

Wooyoung came home at almost 9 p.m. to an empty house, stuffed with a strange smell of nothing but the lingering touches of the night before. He shuffled towards the kitchen, settling down a couple bottles of soju. Like a tradition, the two boys would always celebrate at the end of their exam period with simple drinks. A smile spread across his lips as his glasses sunk down to his nose recalling the times when they were young: little Wooyoung and San seated in the mini tunnel in the playgrounds, curled up with two grape juice boxes in hand. 

Pressing his palms against the counter, he looked up at the clock which ticks seemed louder than usual. The scent from the night before that still dominated the whole house soon sent Wooyoung falling into a sort of hypnosis, losing track of time. His eyes soon closed as he imagined the way San’s touch rested delicately on his hips, supplying him with the warmest of touches. . 

The touches that lived in his imagination soon solidified by a set of arms that suddenly wrapped around his waist. It was San.

“I got a part time job at Aurora Cafe,” San announced, turning Wooyoung around, letting him lean against the kitchen counter instead. 

“How come?” he whispered, knowing of San’s concerns. He had been rejected from cafe jobs for the longest time, only because he had no experience as one, and each time he applied, there was already a long line of competitors ahead of him. 

“Apparently they said I had potential. Plus, I guess they know I go there every single time.” 

He chuckled and pulled Wooyoung closer, though he halts the moment he feels something pressing against his thighs. Wooyoung’s cheeks flushed into deep red the moment he realised what San saw. “Umm I was just-” Wooyoung stuttered, trying his best to hide but to no avail. San quietly gripped onto Wooyoung’s hips and pulled him so close that their bodies flush against one another.

In a swift moment, San wrapped his arms around his thighs and lifted Wooyoung up onto the kitchen counter. They both exchange unwavering gazes, eyes both so dark that San sees stars sparkling in Wooyoung’s eyes. 

“What got you so turned on huh?” San low chuckles were velvet to Wooyoung’s ears. San grabbed onto Wooyoung’s hardened crotch and whispers. “I barely got home and you’re already like this? What were you thinking of, babe?” 

Wooyoung shuddered when San’s voice reached his ears. When Wooyoung let out a quiet whimper, San hissed. “Don’t play innocent, babe.” 

San closed in between Wooyoung’s thighs and leaned in, beginning by sucking the latter’s bottom lip. With a mix of intoxication that remained from the day before, the kiss tasted like never before. San hummed into the kiss and the sound sent vibrations down Wooyoung’s throat, causing his constraint to tighten even further. Wooyoung nipped on San’s lips playfully, sending a shot straight onto San’s groin. 

He tugged at Wooyoung’s pants enough to release his constricted erection and slid his fingers to the hem of Wooyoung’s shirt, swiftly pulling it above his head, tossing them aside. “Fucking beautiful, you are.” 

Wooyoung bites on his inner bottom lip at the compliment while he dragged his gaze up and down San’s graceful body. The white shirt that San was dressed in perfectly outlined the shape of his body, and this observation sent Wooyoung leaking untouched.

Maintaining the heavy gaze on one another, San soothed his fingers down Wooyoung’s face, all the way to his chest, pinching his hardened nips. Wooyoung’s eyes rolled back as he bit back a moan. 

“F-fuck,” Wooyoung groaned lewdly as he felt him continue to drip with precum. 

San cupped Wooyoung’s length with his palm and while his fingers gently stroke the tip, he leaned down to leave kisses onto Wooyoung’s collarbones.

“S-Sannie no…” Wooyoung whimpered uselessly; though he paused for a second to respond to Wooyoung, it only came out as a weak moan. “F-faster…” 

“Then I’ll go slow,” he whispered, melting his lips with Wooyoung’s. 

Wooyoung’s attempt to whisper trailed off when San began to stroke him in the tempo of their kiss; San slipped his tongue past Wooyoung’s lips, the grip around his length tightening in the process. San kept his eyes open slightly, enough to admire the way Wooyoung’s eyes squeezed shut as the pleasure overtook him. After earning several sucks from Wooyoung, he left a stream of kisses down to his jawline, throat and eventually to lick his hardened nips. 

Wooyoung’s eyes snapped open, and his dark orbs matched San’s as he returned the filthy smirk that decorated San’s lips. The sight sent electric shocks down Wooyoung’s spine, sending him to shake violently. San slid his hands down, changing the pressure on Wooyoung’s length with every stroke.

Wooyoung glided his fingers underneath San’s shirt, embracing the warmth that he found within. San continued to jerk him off, his heart racing a mile a minute as he closed his eyes to enjoy Wooyoung’s fingers that trace along his abs. 

San increased his pace along the latter’s erection and Wooyoung tried his hardest not to squirm too much. He dug his nails deep into San’s abs as he felt a pool of warmth settle at the bottom of his stomach. “Fuck-” he hissed as he felt himself being driven close to an edge. 

San ignored the pain that punctures through his skin, having been too distracted by the beautiful hoarse voice of Wooyoung’s. It didn’t take Wooyoung too long after for him to lose all his senses as his orgasm builds. When he leaned his back further onto the cold counter top with utter difficulty in breathing, San squeezed the base of his length, urging the last of his orgasm. 

San slid his free hand up behind Wooyoung’s nape, pulling him closer for a gentle kiss. The dark gaze in San’s eyes disappeared the moment he saw Wooyoung breathing softly and weakly. “Let’s clean you up,” he whispered, sending breathless giggles spilling from Wooyoung’s lips. Wooyoung never knew that someone could ever say that in such a sweet manner ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the language inaccuracies here and there.  
> i'll check through once more,  
> it's just hard to find mistakes once you've read a billion times.


	3. beginning of the end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woop. sorry this took a tad long, i was kinda unsatisfied with how the chapter turned out in the beginning but all the edits made!

**Summer 2018**

There were only a few days left to the end of the semester, marking one of the most crucial days of the year and also the coming of what had been making the senior students most anxious about. Wooyoung was a mix of looking forward to his result days and dreading them. For the most part, he looked forward to seeing the harvest of his hard work, yet he dreaded it at the same time because he hated having to be rooted to his chair in pure apprehension while bearing the chatter of everyone as they receive and cry or gloat over their own results. He often carried the facade of self-motivated diligence without admission that he was mainly driven by his parents. Indeed, the expectations set by them bothered him more than he would ever admit; though, more often than not, he would effortlessly achieve anyway. Yet, there still lived within the crevices of his mind where he wished he could be more free. Nonetheless, he knew with his whole heart that he would never be able to achieve any success without hard work, and that was something that he relentlessly strives for. Nothing in the world could stop him from believing so.

Unsound chaos settled amongst the students of the class as they patiently waited for the professor to call out their names along with their results. Professor Park was known for being one that enjoys revealing his students’ test results in front of the whole class in order of who scored the highest. While many of Wooyoung’s peers did not particularly like the way he announced their results, he has to admit, it was actually beneficial for the class to know who were the ones who did well and who improved. Nonetheless, what Wooyoung still found unsettling was the environment that followed: one that urged a competitive atmosphere, gossips and tittle-tattles.

The first few of the students to be called were no surprise at all, Kim Youngjo and Son Dongju, the usual high scorers in the class. But as the fifth, sixth, seventh are being called, there was no sign of Wooyoung’s name. Wooyoung found himself fidgeting underneath the table, elbows resting on his own lap as he waited anxiously for his name to be called. Each number, each name called worsened the pit that was forming in his stomach. “Lee Seoho, 90%” Mr. Park announced, and Wooyoung dropped his head low, knowing for sure that he had definitely scored less than 90%. With full awareness of the parental expectation that Wooyoung had to meet, San glanced towards him from the back of the class where he was seated. San chewed on his inner cheek as he watched Wooyoung’s disappointment reach his eyes.

“Choi San!” Prof. Park called out, but San was too distracted to realise that his name was being called. “Choi San? San-ssi,” he repeated and San jolted up from his seat, accidentally kicking his leg onto the next table as he walked forward to retrieve his paper. San’s eyes remained fixated on Wooyoung as a wave of confusion and a weird sense of pride began to hit him as this was the highest he had ever scored on a test.“... 88%! Congratulations, best improvement so far,” Prof. Park bowed his head slightly as he handed over San the five paged test paper. With a mere small smile, San walked back to his seat, glancing over to the other side of the room to find Wooyoung’s seat now vacant.

A surge of panic overwhelmed his entire body as he clutched onto the corners of his table to resist the temptation to flee from class to find Wooyoung. Throughout the rest of the class, his ears muted the chattering of his classmates, discussing the answers of the test paper. Occasionally, he would slide out his phone to check if Wooyoung had replied to the text that he had sent earlier. He continuously tapped his foot along with the second hand of the clock as it neared the end of school.

The moment the bell rang, signalling the end of class, San grabbed his bag and dashed out, hitting some of the desks along the way. He darted down the hallway and halted at an intersection, unsure as to where to find Wooyoung. He looked around hastily and shut his eyes briefly, as if trying to get into Wooyoung’s head to find him.

The rooftop.

Cliche, but San knew that whenever things got tough for Wooyoung, he would always make his way up to surround himself with fresh air and indulge in the clear view of the park that faced the campus.

When San reached the rooftop, he opened the door to be greeted by a gust of wind. He took a few steps forward and scanned around the area before his eyes finally landed on a figure that he recognised all too well. As expected, Wooyoung had his elbows resting on the ledge, looking over and facing the open. San stayed rooted in his spot, watching as the wind stole his place, brushing through Wooyoung’s lightly dyed hair.

Only now did he realise how much weight the latter had lost. Wooyoung’s black and white striped shirt which was initially tucked in was now out, marking his attempts in letting loose. The collar of his shirt now slips off the shoulder of his small frame. San remembered when he first bought that shirt for Wooyoung as a gift, it used to fit him perfectly. An ominous feeling started to bubble in the pit of San’s gut as he just realized how little he had been paying attention to Wooyoung lately.

San felt as if his feet stuck to the bricks beneath. His mind wandered to that night of the test when their feets tangled under the sheets and voices echoing across the room. He shuddered as a dread coursed through his veins upon the ultimate question: Had he indirectly caused this? It felt as if the breeze carried voices of his conscience telling him that it was his fault. And that it always has been. If he stepped forward, then what would he say to him? San knew that deep down, the fact that he obtained a higher score was unfair considering it was his fault that Wooyoung stopped studying that night; and no matter how Wooyoung would possibly deny, he would still feel guilty.

After spending a few moments contemplating, he finally brought himself to budge, each step towards Wooyoung heavier. His mind was clouded, unsure if he should give Wooyoung a hug or some space. Despite knowing him for so long, his true reactions were still unpredictable. He stopped when he saw Wooyoung turn his head slightly to glance at his direction.

“Woo-,” San held back his tongue as Wooyoung turned around fully to face the boy. The crestfallen look on his face shattered San, rendering him speechless almost immediately. Seeing Wooyoung’s countenance bereft of any signs of relief made San question just how much Wooyoung had been suffering alone. His eyes glazed over the eyebags that clung tightly beneath his beautiful eyes and he swears in his heart that he will do better.

“About that night--” San started, eyes wandering everywhere but on Wooyoung; the silence amplified his erratic heartbeat as he tried his best to speak, knowing Wooyoung’s empty eyes were staring right at him. “I mean, I know it’s my fault that--”

Wooyoung interrupted with a sigh. “Don’t worry,” he shook his head slowly. “It’s no big deal, and it is not your fault either, so don’t worry, okay?”

When Wooyoung’s lips spread into a warm smile, the dark clouds that hung ominously over the both of them blew away; though, for how long, San didn’t know. Nevertheless, he released the breath he was unknowingly holding all these while. He pulled Wooyoung closer to wrap his arms around his lean waist, enveloping him into his tight embrace. San felt like home again. Though his hour of apprehension seemed like ages to him, finally, finally, they’re okay again.

Following that day, they returned to their usual. Alternating between jokes, bickers and seeking one another’s warmth whenever. From then on, San changed the way he acted. He ensured to be more appreciative of Wooyoung. One thing he never realised was that he began to walk on ice, thinner than he initially had already been. Nonetheless, nothing changed about his feelings for the latter. Amongst the many things that inspired San, his favourite was seeing Wooyoung under the shining moonlight through the window pane whenever he returned from work late into the night. He believes he could write a dozen poetry from the sight alone and the peace his lover brought to him if only he could find words that would do justice.

***

**Autumn 2019**

There were many things about autumn that San adored. He enjoyed walking on the carpets of gold and red, dressing up in burgundy and maroon. He would let the sepia filters of nature slowly steal his eyes as he immerses himself in the mild cold air which gradually cools before the harsh winters take over. It was this transition that he always lived for.

The only thing that San dreaded about autumn was having to juggle between the hectic class schedules, the sporadic timetable that he was given and having to adjust to last minute cancellations. San worked on night shifts at a convenience store in the streets where they live. Yet, tonight was his one and only rest evenings where he returned home straight after classes. With it being San’s off-day and the day Wooyoung had the least activities, Thursday evenings were the couple’s favourite. On days like these, they would have their arms and legs tangled beneath the warmth of their blankets on the couch, watching their favourite movies.

Cuddles were their antidotes to survive the week. Being in each other’s arms was Wooyoung’s main source of comfort and also San’s distraction from relapsing. Though it remained unspoken, Wooyoung knew that San was always in danger of relapsing, something they do not exactly speak about on a normal basis. San’s relapses stemmed from his Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) surrounding his alcoholic father and his narcissistic mother.

Wooyoung and San were dichotomic: both vulnerable, yet strong. They were connected by a glass bridge; while transparent and honest with one another, could be easily broken down in one go.

It was the last week of the senior breaks before they burst out into full on preparation for finals. They clasped each other in a warm embrace with a fleece blanket draped over them and a warm drink on the coffee table. For a long while, Wooyoung had been wanting to watch ‘On Your Wedding Day’, a movie that starred Kim Youngkwang and Park Boyoung who played Wooyeon and Seunghee respectively. Though San was not exactly one for romance, he still remained with the latter, knowing it was on Wooyoung’s to-watch list since it was released the previous year.

While San’s attention was mostly on Wooyoung and his delicate reactions to every part of the movie, his eyes stopped dead on the screen when a scene hit him like deja vu. He watched as Wooyeon stood in shock at the glass window in front of Seunghee’s family restaurant only to see it in a wreck. Wooyoung felt San visibly stiffen when he watched the way Seunghee’s father lying unconscious, surrounded by shards of glass. As soon as Seunghee realised Wooyeon’s presence, her eyes widened in stupor and she screamed at the top of her lungs for him to leave, in fear of him knowing of her alcoholic father.

Wooyoung adjusted himself to fully face San, the arm around his waist tightening. “You okay?” he whispered, pressing a gentle kiss on the latter’s jaw. He knew the resemblance the scene had to San’s real life experience, especially since he had already known San when it happened. San remained silent for a long moment as the movie progressed, leaving him and his thoughts behind.

San’s mind led him to an old yet familiar scene of when he woke up in the middle of the night at 2 a.m. to a pool of blood, staining shattered ceramics from the broken sink, and his father lying in the pool, calling desperately for someone that was neither San nor his mother. He remembers being overwhelmed with resigned anger, and leaving the house to seek desperate comfort from fresh air.

Like a habit, the moment Wooyoung’s warm palms touched San’s cheeks to wipe away the tears that rolled down, he managed to pull out from his bad memory. He turned to glance at Wooyoung, only to realise that he left the belatedly heard question hanging.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” San forced a smile, though it transformed into a genuine one when he sees Wooyoung’s puppy-looking eyes staring right at him. When unconvinced, San leaned forward and pecked the tiny pout of Wooyoung’s lips, breaking into a smile instead. The two continued to watch the movie; for a second, San wondered if the both of them would be alike the characters, where fate brings them to meet again several times. Though, in the case of the two of them, they were never meant to be together. Or maybe--

"What's the point of half of the world? They're not you."

Wooyeon’s voice sent Wooyoung into smiles and San glanced at the latter who had his eyes glued onto the screen. While Wooyoung immersed himself in the sweetness of the two, San’s mind drifted yet again to how much he loved him and how his life would still be a chaos without him. In the midst of reminiscing, he carded his fingers through Wooyoung’s hair while he nuzzled lightly to his chest.

All of a sudden, San’s eyes flickered to Wooyoung’s phone when it lit up. He nudged the latter and gestured towards his phone. It was from school. Immediately, the both of them knew that it was Wooyoung’s results that he had sent for re-evaluation. Wooyoung’s smile that was plastered across his face soon disappeared.

“Check it,” San nodded towards Wooyoung’s phone, arms still tight around his waist. He reached out for his phone and almost instantly swipes through the email.

Having memorised how the result slip looked like, San immediately caught sight of the percentage in bold. “See! I told you that would not affect your grades too much. You still have a 95% overall,” San grinned widely, pressing a gentle kiss on Wooyoung’s cheeks.

The sigh that slipped past Wooyoung’s lips remained unnoticed by San, especially since it faded into the gentlest of smiles, unknowingly a mask that he had put on.

“By the way, did I tell you that I got another part time job? This time it’s on campus,” San chuckled, watching Wooyoung’s face light up the slightest. What San does not notice is Wooyoung’s fingers fumbling in discomfort.

***

Like the months that breezed past, San was continuously swept away by the continuously piling responsibilities. Juggling between his intensive studies for the upcoming finals and the multiple part time jobs that he had was way beyond what San would have been able to manage. Yet, one’s gotta do what they gotta do. The ‘San-day’s off that he usually granted himself soon vanished, becoming the only day he could finally slot in his cafe shifts. More often than not, he would return home by two or three a.m. to already find Wooyoung tucked in on his side of the bed.

In the mornings, too, San would wake up to the same side already made up as Wooyoung often woke up at five a.m. to attend morning study sessions before classes commenced. His focus in attaining his desired grades and San’s in earning enough money to pay off his University tuition fees was what divided the two lovers into living in separate realms.

Barely would they have the time for one another: neither on weekdays, nor on weekends. The most they would manage is to see one another in between mornings and nights when one gets accidentally woken up before or after schedules.

Eventually, came the day of their graduation. The day where all the lost smiles return home on everyone’s faces. Finally. Finally, they were free from tests, exams, and the lectures of their professors that seemed to continue forever.

Upon graduation, Wooyoung finally managed to take a step back, to see the bigger picture, to see what had become of him and San. While his fight was over, San’s was not. San was often wallowed in a loop of stress that neither Wooyoung nor himself can pull him out of. He became increasingly sensitive, especially when it came to money. One day, Wooyoung thought he would surprise San by upgrading the television that had been sitting in the living room throughout their university lives. However, when San found out, he was instead enraged and began to spit out harsh words that the television was out of his pure hard work in trying to sustain them. Ever since that day, Wooyoung evaded any talk of money. In fact, he never touched any topic at all. Everything that he said to trigger the latter somehow or another. The slightest of problems that they never had to deal with began emerging in the loose situation now and it sent Wooyoung to frequent panic with no knowledge of the right or wrong thing to say.

Eventually, the distance between them grew, centimetre by centimetre, and soon inch by inch. With the final day that they stepped out of the University with no need to return, was a step out of each other’s lives. And with every autumn leaf that fell, a centimetre separated the two of them.

***

  
**Winter 2019/2020**

As winter gradually loomed in, taking the place of autumn, life slowed down. Winter marked the time of break, and finally everyone was able to take a step back from the hustle they were running in. The gasps for air simmered down into pants, and finally relaxation. More often than not, taking steps back to look at things in a more omniscient view allowed people to figure just what was missing from their lives.

Wooyoung mostly spent his days relaxing and simultaneously looking for the best internship options to begin with as soon as winter ends. As expected, though, San began to take more jobs into his hands, ultimately impatient to finally pay off the debt of his remaining semesters.

“Sannie, are you working next Tuesday?”

“Mm, yeah, I have a full-shift on Tuesday.”

Snap.

Wooyoung merely deadpanned, eyes locking with the unknowing eyes of San’s, one that was in search of answers he was expected to know. Wooyoung knew there and then that San had forgotten one of the most significant days that they used to set time aside for.

“You really forgot?” Wooyoung inhaled deeply in attempts to convince himself that it wasn’t reality and that it wasn’t the last straw that had snapped. Yeah, maybe he just forgot his schedules.

“Yeah? I don’t remember fixing anything for-” San paused, counting the date with his fingers until he finally arrived. “...Twenty… Six? Novem-- Oh.” Realisation dawned upon him too late. “Wooyoung--”

Knowing that his forgetting was ultimately a reality, Wooyoung shut his eyes and a whole rush of anger that had boiled in Wooyoung’s system a few seconds ago dissipated into mere disappointment and disconsolation. For a few moments, they remained silent, as they always had recently whenever a problem arose, allowing death knells to be the only sound in their heads. Nothing feared San more than the idea of Wooyoung potentially leaving him behind, and that was the main concern behind his silence.

The walls that the lovers had built on crumbled bit by bit, something they watched right in front of their eyes, yet was so afraid to admit.

“You forgot my birthday.”

“It slipped my mind.”

“Slipped your mind,” Wooyoung repeated, the words felt bitter on the tip of his tongue.

San was utterly confused. Was his hardwork and sacrifice just so unnoticeable to him? Or had he crossed lines he never realised were there?

They allowed another wave of silence to impregnate the air.

“My father paid for my grades,” Wooyoung whispered, his voice as quiet as possible.

San stared in disbelief in the sudden blatant admission. This time, it was San that felt the remaining walls crumbled, and disintegrating into ashes. It was merely a minor incident that happened a year back, yet he could not believe Wooyoung had hid such things from him. There and then, the words that left both their mouths were uncontrollable spit fire. What’s worse is that since both had their own share of disappointment, none was calm enough to compromise.

Never would they have ever thought that graduation would take a different turn in their lives.

“I’m not disappointed that your father did such filthy shit. In fact, I’m not even surprised,” San spat, inhaling deeply before speaking once again. “What I am more disappointed at is the fact that you didn’t tell me about it at all.”

“You were busy--”

“I always made time for you, Jung Wooyoung.”

Silence.

“Let’s take a break,” Wooyoung uttered, voice absent of any emotions. San’s eyes landed on Wooyoung’s hands, watching the way his fingers curled into his palm. With no response from the latter, Wooyoung took one last empty gaze on him before walking off towards the bedroom. When San doesn’t call out or go after, Wooyoung was sure that there was nothing left that he would fight for.

The following day when San woke up, Wooyoung was still in his bed, his back turned against him. As mentioned, San was far from being disappointed at the fact that his father did that. He all too well recognised the kind of scheming bullshit he was anyway. Besides, he was so disappointed at the fact that Wooyoung thought, for a second, that San would not have understood him.

They just laid in bed as if waiting for the last leaf to fall from the branch.

The home was built with ultimate care, placing brick by brick, stacking it with utmost perfectionism and gluing them carefully with wet cement and patiently waiting for it to dry. San stared vacantly at the subtle olive walls; he remembered that it was the first thing they spent upon moving in together. He remembered staring at the myriad of colours and bickering about which would be ideal for their house before coming to an agreement. He watched as the phantom laughter echoed throughout the house, only after realising how much stuff had changed. He closed his eyes trying to recall the last time they truly laughed together.

None. It was as if he barely recognised what true happiness meant to them anymore.

It was when San carefully scrutinised edges of the house for reminders that every minute of fights were worth it, that San realised that several stuff that was originally around the house was now gone. With widened eyes, he dashed over to the fridge to see Wooyoung’s favourite polaroid photographs of himself and his friends and family now gone.

Trepidation washed over him. He rushed over to the wardrobe, stood in front of it for a good moment, inhaling deeply as if trying to compose himself for the worst. He squeezed his eyes shut and pried the wardrobe open, allowing the gust of air from the doors to settle on his cheeks, before opening his eyes once again. As dreaded --

Empty.

Not a single trace of his clothes was left. He let a bitter smile adorn his features, as if to convince himself that he was dreaming. He shifted himself to the other wardrobe, one that they shared. Only his side of the wardrobe was left. The only thing left of Wooyoung was the favourite blue checkered hoodie he had that San had bought on his birthday

You could’ve at least taken it along with you, he sighed at the sight. Realising that Wooyoung not taking his gift along with him was the ultimate form of rejection. Yet, he knew it was still his fault. He clutched onto the sleeves of the hoodie before taking it out of the closet. Only when he slid his fingers in the pockets for comfort, did he find a piece of note that wrote:

_“I’ve paid the remaining share of the_  
_rent and the bills are in the usual drawer._  
_Take care, San. You should find a new place to stay.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to my love for helping me edit here and there! chapter four coming your way soon, hope you enjoyed this!


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